


almost said it

by prettybird86



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, But no one dies, F/F, So much angst, i guess, im sorry, so thats something, this isnt gonna have a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-11
Updated: 2018-10-11
Packaged: 2019-07-28 03:46:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16233563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettybird86/pseuds/prettybird86
Summary: emily and jj come close to admitting their feelings for one another on jj's wedding night





	almost said it

**Author's Note:**

> this is basically me making that night more painful than it had to be

emily was having as much fun as a person could have after watching the love of her life marry someone else. but she made a honest effort to act like she was okay with it. to act like she wasn't dying inside. she kept telling herself that if she made it through this one night everything would be okay. that she would be okay. she didn't really understand why it hurt as much as it did. that was a lie, emily knew exactly why it stung so much because in the back of her mind there was still a chance. a chance that she would confess her feelings to jj. a chance that jj would reciprocate those feelings. a chance that they would have a chance. it didn't matter how often she reminded herself that jj was with will, that jj was always gonna be with will that little bit of hope would always shine through. somehow the wedding ring on jj's finger dimmed that hope a bit more. she circled the dance floor trying her hardest not to stare at the beautiful bride and failing miserably. she wanted to remember every detail of the blonde because that's all she'd have after tonight, her memories. rossi's invitation to dance was a welcome distraction. and so emily made her way through her male coworkers, dancing with each one, imagining she was dancing with the one person she couldn't dance with. there were moments filled with actual laughter and genuine smiles. derek especially had a talent for getting her to smile. those moments would only last as long as it took for her eyes to find their way back to jj. so she shut them and rested her chin on dereks shoulder as they swayed to the music. she let the magnitude of her decision wash over her. she wasn't just walking away from jj. she was walking away from her friends, the people shes grown to call her family, the only real home shes ever known. for a moment she reconsidered leaving and then she opened her eyes find jj's staring right back at her. there they were both in another man's arms and staring at each other like they were the only two people in the goddamn world. for so long emily convinced herself that that's all she needed to get by, stolen glances and little moments. but the pain of leaving her life behind was nothing compared to having to watch the love of her life live happily ever after with someone that wasn't her.  
  
***  
  
jj told herself it was the best thing for everyone to just marry will. best for her son to have a stable family. best for herself so she didn't have to face all the homophobic family backlash that would inevitably come with her coming out. best for will who was such a good guy, the best guy, who loved her more than anybody ever had. except of course emily but jj convinced herself that emily was just a good friend. that the way emily cared for her was how any best friend would. as she danced with will her eyes kept finding their way back to emily. she had always fought these feelings becoming an expert at burying them so deep down that there were actually brief moments where she forgot the ache she felt in her heart for the brunette. but god emily was so beautiful that night not even her husband's body pressed against hers could make her remember why she shouldn't feel the things she felt for emily. so she let herself look at emily more than a woman who had just married someone else should. emily looked so content with her chin rested on dereks shoulder all jj wanted in that moment was to be the one emilys chin rested on. to be the one emily felt most at ease with. emily opened her eyes to meet jj's. jj could swear emily felt her wacthing her and thats why she opened her eyes. jj smiled first. a sad smile. a smile that held so much regret over missed opportunities. a smile emily mirrored before she turned and walked out as fast as she could without alarming anyone. other than derek of course who followed her into the house.  
  
"em, whats wrong?"  
  
"i just-" emily pat his chest "i just need a minute. i'll be fine' derek could see the tears falling down her cheeks  
  
"emily, you're crying"  
  
"please, i just need to a second to myself"  
  
"okay. hey-" he placed a hand on her shoulder. "im right here if you want to talk." emily nodded before walking away.  
  
jj was the only other one to notice emily's exit. her mind raced not sure if she should run after the brunette or stay dancing with her new husband. when derek walked back into the yard without emily jj knew there was only one thing she could do.

"I have to go to the bathroom." she said trying her best to act as normal as possible.

"hurry back chère" will said before placing a kiss to her forehead.

jj rushed after emily hoping no one would notice just how rushed her pace was. once in the house she started looking around for emily. the mansion wasn't short on places emily could be. jj began down a hall and stopped in front of a door when she heard footsteps. she could hear emily pacing back and forth on the other side. her hand froze above the door knob. what was she doing? what was she going to say when she opened that door? the footsteps stopped and instead jj began to hear laboured breathing. without another thought she opened the door to find emily standing in the middle of the room, that seemed to be an office, hyperventilating. jj rushed to the brunettes side gripping her arm and leading her to the arm chair sat in the corner of the office and knelt in front of her.  
  
"emily, breathe." emily tried her best to follow the instruction. her face now being held in the blondes hands. emily was afraid to open her eyes. afraid of meeting those blue eyes she knew were waiting for her. those beautiful blue eyes that she knew would calm her immediately but ultimately would just bring more pain.  
  
"em, please-" jj fought back her own tears as she pleaded with her. she wasn't even sure why. except she did know. it's not that she didnt know why its that she couldn't/wouldn't accept why. why she chased after emily. why she was spending her wedding night in an office with emily prentiss. why she desperately needed emily to open her eyes and look at her. she couldn't admit that she had fallen so deep in love with her best friend that it scared her, the lengths she would go through to make emily feel happy and safe. if only the idiot would realize that the one thing that would make emily feel happy and safe was her.  
  
"please look at me" emily couldn't deny the blonde any longer. the second their eyes met emily's breathing began to steady. neither of them moved for a good minute. emily sat in a chair, jj knelt on the floor cupping emilys face in her hands, their eyes locked in the most intense gaze either had ever experienced. neither moved a muscle both wanting to stay in that moment for a long as possible. and then emily noticed the tears that fell down the blonde's cheeks. emily brought her hand to jj's cheek and wiped them away with her thumb.  
  
"look at you" emily tucked a piece of jj's hair behind her ear "you should be out there dancing with will. not in here worrying about me." she followed up with an apologetic smile.  
  
"I'm sorry for ruining your wedding" there was a noticeable crack in emily's voice. she finally broke eye contact and let her head fall slightly in embarrassment.  
  
"you didn't ruin anything" jj said in the sweetest softest voice placing a finger beneath emily's chin to lift it forcing their eyes to meet once again. "you wanna tell me whats going on?"  
  
"i lo-" _damn those eyes._ _emily thought._ they could make her do almost anything. _almost anything._ they almost gave her the courage to say the three words she had longed to say to jj for years. that was the closest she ever got to saying it. she simultaneously cursed and praised herself for not finishing that sentence.  
  
"it's nothing" emily stood and walked towards the desk. leaving jj kneeling alone for a second before doing the same.  
  
"don't do that. don't shut me out" jj demanded. "nobody just runs out of a room crying for no reason, especially emily prentiss" emily turned and sat on the edge of the desk refusing to look at the blonde standing close by.  
  
emily took a deep breathe. "I'm leaving." those two words were all it took to suck the air out of the room and make jj feel like a ton of bricks just fell on her chest. she just stared at her in disbelief not knowing what to say. not sure if she even had the ability to speak in that moment.

"interpol offered me an amazing job and I can't think of a good enough reason to say no." and there it was, jj's opportunity. ' _tell her! just fucking tell her!'_ jj screamed in her head only to be silenced by all the consequences jj knew she would have to suffer through if her mouth did as her brain commanded.  
  
it was never emily's intention to get jj to give her a reason to say no to the job but that moment between emily telling jj about the job and the moment she turned to look at her felt like an eternity as she waited, hoped, that jj would say something, anything. jj was silent and emily could see she was processing.  
  
"jayje-" she didn't even have any follow up she just needed to break the silence. she needed to hear what jj thought.  
  
"when?" was all the blonde could get out.  
  
"as long as it take me to get my affairs in order here."  
  
"affairs?" jj couldn't help but be a little hurt. was that what the team was to her, affairs she had to get in order? "we're your family emily"  
  
"that's not what i meant." emily was a little taken aback by jj's words. "you know i love you all but there's nothing for me here, not really."  
  
jj knew she was right. logically there was little room for advancement in the current bau. emily deserved bigger and better things. she was destined for it. jj could even feel a sense of relief knowing that she wouldn't have to spend every day with the woman she loved just to go home to her husband every night and feel like shes living a lie. and then a sense of dread filled her for the exact same reason. it was hard spending so much time with emily and not being with her. but was jj really ready to not have emily in her life on a daily basis? she lost emily once and she broke protocol, played scrabble with her, because she needed a connection to emily. it wasnt nearly enough for jj but she took what she could get. could she go back to having a text relationship with the love of her life when she could easily just tell her that there is something here for her. that jj would always be here for her. the blonde took a seat at the edge of the desk next to emily. their hands nearly touching on the desk between them.  
  
"i'll always be just a phone call away." emily said as reassuringly as she could. it was a genuine sentiment. they would always be her team, her family, and the second any of them needed her she would be there, no doubt, but she knew that there would be times when a phone call away wouldn't be enough. that as much as she dreaded it there was a chance that a phone call away would be too late.  
  
"it's not enough." jj whispered, echoing emilys thoughts. emily just barely heard it and hesitated to let herself believe jj actually said it. she placed a hand on jj's wrist and almost instinctively jj turned her hand to lace their fingers together.  
  
"i know." was all emily could think to respond with. they met eyes again and smiled the same smile they shared earlier on the dance floor. when emily saw the tears falling down the blondes cheek she stood, pulled jj to her, and wrapped jj in her arms. jj melted immediately snaking her arms around the brunettes waist. they began to sway neither caring that there was no actual music for them to sway to. both just soaking in every little detail of how the others body felt against their own. the way their cheeks pressed together. the intoxicating feeling of the others breath on their ear.  
  
"do you love him?" emily whispered in jj's ear.  
  
"i do." _but not like i love you._ _she thought._  
  
"does he make you happy?"  
  
"yeah." _but not as happy as you do_  
  
"then that's all that matters." emily placed a soft kiss on the blondes cheek before pulling away. the absence of the others body against their own caused a physical ache neither was prepared for. emily turned away wiping the tears from her cheek with one hand while the other slowly slipped from jjs hand as she left the room.  
  
the two spent the weeks leading up to emily's departure not exactly avoiding eachother but not using any excuse to spend time with one another like they usually did, hoping that it would make the loss easier. it didnt.  
  
  
  
  



End file.
